I am going to tell you about my life in college. Why? Because I feel that you (the reader) will be privileged to read about my amazing, drunken filled college life and the encounters I make with other amazing, drunk college kids. I am going to take a Tucker Max approach with this one, because I find him amusing. My stories will be a collection of drunken events and impossible scenarios that only happen in college. I swear to God that everything I write in this will be nothing but the truth, names and places will be changed to protect the identities of my friends and the sluts we meet at parties, as if I remember or care about their pathetic excuses for names (names such as Mercedes, and Baha for example). Right? When you hear names like that your first thought is “yea she could take a dick”. Lets be honest who names their children Mercedes? F.Y.I. I am secretly somewhat of a douche but not a huge asshole. This may be a shock to some of you, others know exactly what im talking about. I am writing this because I feel people should know what college is really like. But without further ado, here is my life as it is as a college freshman.
The night we (myself and Chase) ran train.
Occurred: The night of Friday, January 21st 2011-The morning of January 22nd
Never drink Four Loko’s.
This was the first weekend at my new school. I recently transferred from another school after the first semester to my new school. Lets call it Predominately white middle to upper class University. However despite being at a new university, I had many friends there, such as Chase, Tom, and Reliable. So I figured that the best idea to start off the weekend and my new school was to drink bull piss mixed with ghetto wine, aka Four Loko. Now this seemed like a novel idea because a drink that has killed college students seems like a great “malt liquor beverage” to drink.
The night started off pretty smoothly. Me, Chase, Tom, and Reliable were figuring out our plans for the night, because the only thing to do in college is to become intoxicated by any means necessary, of course. We later met up with Mr. Party, a friends of Chase (Mr. Party will later become a friend of mine). We start spit balling ideas for how to get drunk the cheapest and fastest way. We come up with the best option which is to use a friend of Chases and Mr. Party’s fake I.D. to obtain alcohol (I am not cool or rich enough to have a fake I.D.). We learn that Singer (as we will call her) was making a run to a shady Asian liquor store in the most poverty stricken part of the city. So obviously we use her, and convince her to take us along to obtain Four Lokos. So we go over to her all female dorm to hang before the liquor run. So when Singer is getting ready to go to the store Chase, Tom, Reliable, Mr. Party and I were chilling in Chases friends room. Let’s call Chases friends Tits Hemingway and Jesse. Now one can deduce why Tits Hemingway is Tits Hemingway. Let me remind you that this is my first week here and I know none of these women, and I am not smooth enough to meet hot chicks. The situation soon gets awkward when my great friends decide to bail on me and Tom (who also knows no one) to go to the liquor store with Singer. So now me and Tom are in Hemingway’s and Jesse’s room (both are very attractive). So being the awkward and sarcastic fuck I am, I start to act like an asshole to the girls that I have known for less than 30 min. They find my sarcastic dick like comments funny. Success, these girls find me amusing and want me. Then it goes downhill fast. Hemingway exclaims that she needs to change for the party soon so naturally, I say “so that means I should stay, right?”. My comment was received with the most sarcastic laugh I have ever heard. I turn to Tom and made an awkward face which is my cue for him to talk and diffuse the situation, because that is too much responsibility for me. He did not understand the cue, so I just let it roll off. So we stay in the room with the girls for another 10 minutes. Now Hemingway wants to change so she asks us to leave. Again my idiot self takes over and I say “can I watch?”. I know I am not very smart or funny. This is my sad attempt to be amusing. I was being sarcastic with Hemingway, yet she didnt understand this. So we awkwardly get kicked out of the room into the hallway. So now its me and Tom in the hallway alone as our friends are purchasing liquor from an establishment illegally (I later find out that their trip was a train wreck and they almost got mugged/raped by a homeless crack head and his friends). So I become very angry at everyone and decide that the best idea is to take a massive shit in the girls bathroom for my revenge. I successfully took the Browns to the Superbowl and made an utter mess. Of course I did not flush. Win. Eventually Chase, Reliable, and Mr. Party come back with Singer and a gratuitous amount of Four Lokos. I had no idea they sold this piss in cases. They tell me that they got the best flavor: “watermelon”. I shit you not that is a flavor. So we head into Singers room and meet her roommate Natalie. Natalie informs us that we need to pay her for the liquor because apparently she fronted the money. So we split up the cost and each grab a Four Loko. So Chase, Reliable and I start to drink our piss filled cans of malt liquor. Tom exclaimed that he did not want to go out tonight and passed on the drinking. Now Mr. Party thought it was a great idea to save his Four Loko for when we got to the party for some reason. So he awkwardly watches us drink. (On a side note, the origin of Mr. Party’s name comes from his urge to party every night of the fucking week. The first semester of college Mr. Party got drunk once. After we all got back from winter break, Mr. Party comes back with 4 handles of hard liquor and an alcohol problem). During our consumption of the Loko’s some small bitchy-esque girl came into the room and demanded that Natalie needed to give her some alcohol. This is when the shit hit the fan, dooming the night. Next thing we hear is girls yelling and bitchy-esque girl calls Natalie a cunt. Shit just got real.
Bitchy-esque girl leaves, and I tell my friends that we need to get the fuck out of this room before the girls tell us to hold their ear rings so they can fight. We quickly escape back into Jesse’s and Hemingway’s room to polish off our drinks. Now I am a very tall individual, yet I can only drink an average amount. So after one Loko I am starting to feel it. Yes I know, I am a pussy. So we are hanging in the girls’ room and someone produces a 40 and vodka. So I drink some beer, and do some shots. Chase downs most of the 40 as if it was his job. God, it was a beautiful sight. Now I am decently drunk, and its time to go out and drink more, obviously. We get the best idea to call the university sponsored transportation to drive us to the party. So we get into the car and apparently when I was talking out of my ass in Jesse’s room I invited the bitchy-esque girl to come with us to the party. Natalie was in the van with us and the bitchy-esque girl, lets call her bitch 1. So I get all the blame for making the whole situation awkward and potentially ruining the night, because women are the most confrontational creatures on the planet.
We eventually make it to the party and at this point and im drunk enough to have no concept of my surroundings. I was like a sloppy high school girl who got drunk at prom and was on everyone’s dicks. God it was awful. We then find the house where the party is and we walk up to the door. Once we got to the door a very large man, most likely a rugby or lacrosse player tells us that the parties full and only the girls can come in. So naturally being the conniving individuals that women are, they bail on us and go in. Somehow Mr. Party gets in, and at this point we lost Reliable somewhere in the streets. Chase and I become very angry and walk back down to the sidewalk. I then notice a girl on the ground in the shortest skirt looking for something (reminder its the middle of winter and there is snow everywhere). College girls will never sacrifice their need to look slutty no matter what the conditions are. So I ask her what she is looking for and she tells me “a snow colored thing”. So I weigh my options and leave the girl to finding her “thing”, because finding a “snow colored thing” in the snow would require too much of a commitment from me. I ask an onlooker what shes looking for and apparently the girl lost her tooth. Yea. I thought the same thing. I swear Im not making this up, this girl lost her fucking tooth. Im not sure how things like these happen, but apparently they do. So me and Chase bail and start walking down the street away from tooth girl. Across the street a girl is in the front door of her house holding a bottle of vodka and screams: “Parties over her”. With those words Chase and I sprint as if raptors were chasing us across the street only for the bitch to tell us “just kidding” and to shut the door on our faces. We start moving away from the house with a group of people only to hear “you two…come in”. So Chase and I run into this random house. This seems like an awful idea and could have been a trap set by sexual predators, or maybe fucking Chris Hansen himself. We could have been molested by old men but instead we found ourselves in the home of 15 beautiful women standing by a table with more alcohol than a strip club. Oh God yes. One thing leads to another and Chase and I are taking shots with these girls. A girl hands me a bottle of wine and tells me to drink. At this point I am a drunken idiot unaware of everything, and I pour wine shots and make myself look like a fuck up. I do two wine shots by myself as everyone laughs at my stupidity. This situation is just ridiculous. I hope to the good Lord Jesus that these girls do not allow strange people to enter their household on a regular basis. It is truly outstanding how girls like this exist without getting raped. I know I am vulgar. Some shots later, the girls inform us that we have to leave because they are going to a party. I whisper to Chase that we should hide in their house so we can drink all their alcohol. Chase was sober enough to realize that my sad attempt to rob these women of their cheap, plastic bottle wine would be a terrible mistake that would land us in prison. So Chase and I make for the door. I then feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around to see one of the girls. She asks Chase and me where our friends are, and we tell her that they are across the street at the party (we have given up on finding Reliable, if you fall behind you are left behind). House girl A, as well will call her, then tells us that she is friends with the guys across the street. So House girl A comes outside with us and walks us across the street like a boy scout walking two elderly women with Parkinson’s disease. We walk past the groups of slutty girls and douche bag guys that were getting turned down by the party’s bouncer. Wow, they were turning the sluts away, they must be full. We approach the front door and House girl A knocks on the door. The very large rugby/lacrosse player answers the door and a conversation along the lines of this was exchanged: “House girl A, what the hell are you doing here?” said big rugby/lacrosse man. “These are my friends and they need to get into your party, big rugby/lacrosse man.” said House girl A. “Ok they can come in” said big rugby/lacrosse man. Boom. We were in the party. Chase and I then thank House girl A for getting us in. She made some drunken remark and stumbled off. House girl A proves my theory that all women are sloppy when drunk to be wrong. Chase and I then walk into the party. Now all college parties are more or less the same. First off, the house that these events are hosted in look like utter shit on the inside. I mean really, an opium den is cleaner that these shitty places. But they provide the alcohol and the women, so one makes due. Chase and I look around and we can barely move because of all the people. I hope I cant get S.T.D.’s by rubbing up against these people, but again, one makes due. Chase learns the location of the kegs and we head to the basement. Jesus, I thought the upstairs was bad, the basement was like a sex dungeon ravished with liquor and disease. Down in the basement we see Mr. Party and the girls we came with and we meet up with them. Now this basement is very small I would have to say about a 20x20 basement, with 124 people in it, so movement was restricted. Chase and I start telling Mr. Party how we are basically the men because we were invited to drink with random chicks in their home, and then gained entrance into this party via House girl A. I was extremely cocky now and I started telling people about our excellent story. I mean it was pretty unbelievable how it all happened; I can’t make shit like that up. So know we are in the party talking to our friends and what not. Chase and I were positioned right at the bottom of the stairs, because it was too difficult to adequately move throughout the basement. It just so happens that we were standing in front of the door to the room where all the beer, kegs, and alcohol was stored. Now the keg has run out and Chase and I are standing in between the liquor and 124 thirsty people. This is not good. One of the guys that lived in the house realized the issue, and did not want to give away any more of his alcohol. These guys are so cheap; people fucking pay five dollars for their 10 cent made in china red plastic cup, so that they can drink as much as they can before getting alcohol poisoning. I’m sure that the people who occupied the house wanted to get everyone the hell out of there due to the fact that the oxygen levels were dropping because of all the people. So Homeowner, as he is now called, approaches Chase and I. He tells us that under all circumstances to not let anyone enter that room. I interpreted it as “will you bounce my party?”. Now I am quite physically inept, however I boast a height of 6’4. So wearing baggy clothing and boots (adding a solid inch), I appear to be very strong and intimidating, however I am not. Chase is also quite tall (probably 6’0-6’2), so together we look very intimidating. Honestly I was the tallest person in the room. So Chase and I agree to the demands of Homeowner, and we watch the door (or bounce the party, it was all the same to me at this point). People would approach us and ask us to move so they could get in, and we wouldn’t. It was quite amusing. Eventually some douche bag frat guy (he was wearing a hoodie with Greek letters on it) asks me if Chase and I live in the house, because he was wondering why we weren’t letting him in. Again I am very cocky at this point so I say: “Yea, I fucking live here”. Looking back this could have probably landed me into a fight with Homeowner, yet luckily he was busily upstairs (most likely hitting on some freshman girl who got drunk for the first time tonight). Hearing my response, the frat guy apologizes and backs off. Now I must have said this pretty loudly because multiple people were coming up and thanking me for having this party. Fuck yea. This is awesome; I am getting pleasure and amusement from these people. So, not only did Chase and I get in for free through some random chick we did shots with, but now the majority of the people think that Chase and I own the house. This is fantastic. Chase and I role with it until someone upstairs shouts: “EVERYBODY BE QUIET, COPS!”. Now some people get alarmed by this, yet they still keep playing music and drinking. Way to go, idiots. So still pretending that I own the house I shout: “EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP!”. Silence. All eyes on me. Yes, I am getting attention. I continue to be a douche and say: “everybody, there are cops outside, you need to be quiet. I am going to go upstairs to see what’s up.”. Dead silence. Now I have been to parties that have gotten busted and it’s really not a big deal. I have walked out of parties, hammered, passed cops. They can’t arrest hundreds of kids. I have also seen the cop scare used as a strategy to get the underclassmen out of the party. Again I am very tall so people usually assume that I am older. So I go upstairs and see a small group of upperclassmen and the guys that own and live in the house. There was no sign of impending danger or cops, so I asked Homeowner what was going on: “hey I heard there were cops?”, I said. “No what are you talking about, I think my friend yelled that to get the freshman out” said homeowner. “wait are you friends with the girls next door?” said Homeowner. “Yes, of course I am” I replied. “cool you and your friends are welcome here any time.” said Homeowner. Fuck yea. Ha Ha. I was right, as usual (regarding the cops). So I stumble back into the basement that is completely silent. All eyes come back on me, waiting for the answer if there are cops or not. I decide to not be a total douchebag and I tell the party that there are no cops. Everyone cheers and thanks me for some reason, I find this amusing. I rejoin Chase and Jesse and they wanted to leave. Of course Mr. Party stays. It’s around 2:30 right now and I am quite tired from bouncing a party, so we leave. On the way up the stairs I get more “thank yous” from the people in the basement. This is just great. We make our way through the house and back outside into the frigid air. Wouldn’t you bet that fucking tooth girl is still on the ground? Haha, sucks. It turns out that we are only 4 blocks from school, so we decide to walk. On the way back to school, we stop into the Arab run Italian restaurant that has exquisite cheesesteaks. Wouldn’t ya know it fucking Reliable is sitting at a table by himself. So he didn’t die after all. We ask Reliable what the fuck happened. Apparently he didn’t get into the party and decided to walk back with two girls. They then got hungry and decided to come here. This excited Reliable because he thought he was about to get girls. Yet when Reliable went to the bathroom, the bitches walked out on him and he’s been here ever since. So we get Reliable and walk back to Chases room and chill for a little bit, filling in Reliable how Chase and I have big balls due to the events that happened. Mr. Party comes in later and he says something so amazing that Four Loko should use it for their add campaign: “The thing with Four Lokos is that my mind is intact, but my body feels like noodles”. I die from laughter and pass out on the floor somewhere. What a great night, but seriously don’t fuck with Four Lokos.